A change in career path

Arsenal fans will be sad to hear that I handed in my resignation as Arsenal’s goalkeeper to Sven Goran Eriksson (Arsenal’s manager, don’t you know) overnight, particularly so soon before their first game of the Premier League against West Bromwich Albion on Saturday. It all started after I had to defend a free-kick taken from nine yards behind the left-hand goal post (my right post), out of play. I remember the distance, as Cristiano Ronaldo (playing for Arsenal) measured it with a yellow self-retracting tape measure. The ten yard rule meant that an attacking player (not sure which team, before you ask) could stand a yard in front of my post. They didn’t. Instead, the free-kick looped over the crossbar into the field of play, but alas not into my field of vision as I was still looking towards the point from which the free-kick was taken when someone belted the ball into the net from around the penalty spot.

Immediately after the incident (mid-game), Cristiano took me aside into a pool hall to tell me that I was adversely affecting his career aspirations and his ability to win trophies. Fair point, I think. The conversation ended awkwardly, Cristiano giving me a playful slap around the head when I told him he was definitely Championship material. (I’d meant to say Champions League material.)

I then met with Sven (the game had now stopped for half-time) to hand in my resignation. He accepted this, agreeing that I was indeed a bit shit in my position as goalie. Instead he has given me an office position pulling together the information to feed their annual report.

I then woke up.

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